shitmymomdoes

So some might think that graduating from a top liberal arts college in rural VA would put you at the top of the list for jobs... au contraire, friends. Moving back home might not be so bad for those of you whose lives aren't daily episodes of True Life: I have (an) embarrassing parent. My Mom is and will always be the only person that can embarrass me at the drop of a hat...most of the time I take it upon myself to look like an ass, but she can readily do harm in an instant.

The ever-popular book Sh*t My Dad Says was a recent purchase for me in an airport and I definitely recommend everyone reads it. Snippets of ridiculous stories followed by witty one-liners - great plane read. As I read this I kept thinking that I could really start a Twitter, FB, foursquare, myspace, eharmony - the list goes on - titled shitmymomdoes.

Everyone has heard of icing, getting iced what have you but no one has parents that would willingly do this to themselves. After explaining to my mom the concept and how Smirnoff Ice was in fact a punishment for being the dumbass that reached for one out of the Bud Light box o bottles or fell for the "can you open this?" (you're not original, sorry), she waited a few days and then much to my surprise came home from Kroger one day with a trunk full of groceries or "grosseries" as she likes to write at the top of her list, complete with a "party pack" of Smirnoff.

She said, "I got some of those things you were talking about, Judy (my crazy Godmother who has at least 10 years on my mom but refuses to reveal her age) said they weren't that bad and she actually enjoyed them..."

Ignoring her comment and continuing to be her indentured servant, I continued to unload (doing so of course in about 2 trips while plastic bags left death wounds on my arms to minimize trips to the car and time in the 95 degree 100% humidity shit weather my city provides). Next thing I know I walk inside, she is waving her hand over the party pack like a magician about to pull a rabbit out of the hat and goes "oooo this one, raspberry! sounds good," sounds what.

As she turned on Glenn Beck, for those of you that don't know my mom IS the Tea Party, and poured a Smirnoff raspberry over ice as she listened to his political banter in the kitchen. I gave her a "seriously, wtf" look and she said "I don't know why people drink these as punishment, they're sweet and refreshing."

Well, Mom, next time take a knee, throw your hand in the air and turn Glenn Beck off. Betcha it won't go down like a cool glass o lemonade on a hot summer day then.

Cheers.